A Time of Innocence

We arrived back very early. Some of his friends and his fiance spent the night in his room. His fiance was very upset that he had woke up on and off in the night and did not recognize her. I tried to comfort her, but what do you say? As he started to awaken that morning, I sat beside him on the bed and asked him what was the last thing he remembered. He said graduation and then going bowling. I was taken aback. It was his senior year, homecoming week and lots of band festivities. He had been so excited that his picture in band uniform would be shown on the Jumbo Tron during halftime- all the band seniors were saluted this way.

I asked him, "So who'd you go with?" He answered with names that at first I didn't recognize. Then it hit me, these were all of his high school friends. "And by the way, he said, "you've gotten fat and and you look older." At 165, I was not fat. LOL. He was a little guarded as he answered my questions. He knew his grand parents, and one of the girls there had been in band with him in high school and he recognized her. He did not remember any thing after graduating high school, and I later came to realize some of the things from even before then. He did not remember his fiance at all.

The docs came in and checked him and removed all the stuff they had him in to keep his neck and back from moving. They told me they would be ordering more MRI's and X-rays. He had a head ache and he slept until they came to get him for the MRI.

We stayed late into the night thanking and talking to his friends who were rotating in and out of the waiting room down the hall from the main lobby. Many of them told stories of how he had helped them learning marching shows, handling difficult personalities, and how good of a leader he was. I didn't mention it to them, but a few of the stories I was familiar with because he called me frequently to discuss band functions and for advice on various situations. He was one of the leaders in the band. The U had arranged for us a furnished apartment. After the crowd left and we started to leave it was odd having to go down the elevator. I remember walking in the hospital, seeing one of his friends and her taking me around the corner to his room. I drove mom and dad over to the apartments, dropped them off and parked the car. It was a two bedroom. I went in got a shower, and dropped down on the bed to sleep. It seemed like a struggle to stay comfortable on the bed, like I was constantly sliding off. I was too spent to worry about it. I cried most of the night, but the next evening I noticed that the box springs were catty cornered up on the frame. It slept better the next night. The times I was alone were the hardest to handle.

If I were a car..... This had come without warning. I thought of all of the people I had told over the years that this University was the cheapest baby sitter I could get. I had graduated there. They had their own police department and various departmental administrations that had an interest in making sure they grew up with a balance of personal freedom and rules. After all, if something was to go awry the U would try and handle it low keyed for the sake of the U's reputation. So I never had a worry of anything while he was at school. He was a good kid. I recommended that all my friends send their kids to the U for a place to let them make their own way in a safe environment. Let them grow up and gain their independence. But it had happened, and after he had started waking up, he slept the rest of the night.

The girl who had asked was he awake and called me out into the hall was tiny, maybe five foot and 90 pounds. In our brief conversation she explained that she felt it was all her fault, because she was supposed to be blocking. Rationally I knew she was not at fault, but for a split second I felt rage, but just for a split second. Over the next few hours, I put together what I believe happened from everyone's accounts. The band had an intramural football team. Before their game it had rained and the field was wet. He was QB, two coming at him, one from both sides. One of them fell under him. He went to jump over them and the other one hit him in the shoulders. He spun upside down and landed on his head. He got up with the football, looked dazed, dropped the football, said, "Oh shit." and fell to the ground unconscious. Ambulance called.

I went out in the hall and talked to some of his friends for a few minutes staying in sight and then I notice that a Dr. was standing beside the bed. He was waking up and how they knew it I don’t know. The doctor was asking him questions and he would shake his head no. Where he was from, etc. Doc asked if he knew his birthday and he did. He was pulling at the contraption they had on his neck wanting it off. The Dr. told me that until he could answer some of the questions he asked, he couldn't take it off, because he needed to be able to ask him if he felt any pain any where to know if there was any neck injury. I told him that he needed to try and answer, but he still couldn't. The Dr.'s last question was if he knew his name and he thought for a moment and said his first name and after about four or five more seconds said his last.

I can still remember the Docs look as called me out in the hall. Doc told me that he had come on duty at six p.m. and got his chart to review. He said that he had been brought in thought triage. He said that when someone is unconscious and cant answer questions as to what happened they give them a full cat scan. He said that they have a coma scale of 1-15. 15 is me and you talking, a three is a two by four. He had come in as a six. He told me as a matter of precaution when someone is an eight they automatically put them on life support, because they figure they aren't breathing well enough on their own. He said that when they did that he popped up to a thirteen. Doc said he checked out fine with the scans and x-rays and except for him being unconscious he checked out fine. He said in fact that when he had gotten his chart, he had went to release him until he discovered he was unconscious.

I remember trying to focus on what all the Doc was saying, glad my parents were there in case I missed something, and my chest muscles were cramping up, hard to explain, but like I was try to inhale and exhale at the same time and neither set of muscles could move. I just stood there trying to focus and listen.

He said that he had a concussion and that based on how he had answered the questions that he was pretty serious. He told me that his pupils were slow to respond to light and that how some one answers the questions let them know if someone was faking or uncooperative. He didn't say faking, I cant remember what he said, but I misunderstood him and blurted out "Are you trying to say you think he is faking"? Doc said no he was trying to tell me that he wasn't. They ask a set of questions to indicate the extent of the injury. That someone who is being uncooperative wont know anything, but he knew the year he was born and his name. He told me that your name is the last thing to go and that he probably wasn't going to wake up and be himself and that I was going to have to be very patient. He told me that he could possibly have coordination problems and "you're going to have to be patient, he probably wouldn't know everyone and you're going to have to be patient, he would get frustrated easily and a list that went on and on.

He must have told me I was going to have to be patient at least fifteen times. And when he got finished Mom said you are understanding what he's trying to tell you, that you are going to have to be patient with him.

Here is an excerpt of an email I sent to my cousin 1/7/04.

Sorry I haven't kept in touch. Been very busy. I didn't make contact with anyone through the holidays much. I don’t think mom and dad did either. Wil had a bad accident on Wednesday, the week before Thanksgiving, playing touch football. He go hit and landed on his head. He was unconscious for about eight hours. His girl friend called me as I was leaving work and told me that they weren't telling her much but that he was non responsive and appeared to be paralyzed. The phone lost reception and by the time I got in range of the next tower, I called and she said they are still saying he was unresponsive, he still had no response in his arms or hands, but that he had feeling in his feet. How they knew that while he was out, I don't know. I felt some relief then, because I figured at least no spinal injury.

We prayed a lot. Mom and dad rode to Knoxville with me. He was still unconscious when we got there. There were about forty or fifty kids there from school, running all over the place. About five of them were in the room with him when we got there. They had him in a private room with monitors and braces on his neck. The nurse was giving him something for a fever and high blood pressure. She started asking me questions and mom walked over to his bed and talked to him for a minute and then stepped toward the door to talk to some of the kids. The nurse asked me if he was on any medications, any allergies and then if he had a living will. I told her no and she said she needed to know whether to put him on life support if he needed it.

Since I did not know how he was- except that he was unconscious, I am surprised they don’t get hurt when they approach folks with questions like that (with no warning). Life got real serious real quick, and I don’t know what I said to her, but her attitude changed quick. I went over to Wil's bed and started telling him it was time to get up. You need to get on up. You need to get up right now. I don’t remember what all I said to him, but I remember the nurse told me about five times that "we see this all the time, he will wake up any minute and he will probably be released by ten o'clock in the morning." I knew she was full of it but I still got my hopes up and when ten o'clock came and went it was a big let down. I must have been talking to Wil louder than I thought because one of the kids poked her head in the door and said, "Is he up?" I answered no and she told me that I sounded just like Wil.

More later, bed now.

I'm ready to talk now. At least that's what I have been telling myself for several months now. Three years ago, I had life by the tail. I was 39, and was bracing for the crisis that everyone told me would come at 40. The nephew I raised was a junior at UTK. I've owned my home since 92. Worked for same company since 90. And was content with spending the rest of my life with the one I loved. Then it began. One January evening she asked me how I knew I would be content from now on. Looking back, I would say mainly because that question never had entered my mind. Then on Valentines day, everything fell apart- she had plans, but not with me.

I made a clean break and moved on at least physically. Dating sucks. I think I had a sign that said, "idiots and wierdos form a line here."

Then the week before Thanksgiving, I got a call from the nephew's fiance as I was leaving work. Cell phone rang. I work near the Bama line- very rural. She said, "Just wanted to let you know Wil has been in an accident and they are saying he is unconscious and paralysed." No Service. Frantic driving to interstate. Signal. GF. "I just got off the phone with the Dean of Student Affairs and they are now saying he has movement in feet but not arms." Playing intramural football, was hit and landed on his head." I thought well he cant be paralysed if he has feeling in his feet and legs. 6o mile drive home. 210 miles to Knoxville. My parents wanted to ride with me. More phone calls- he seemed to be ok- just unconscious. What?

I will continue later.